On an objective level, I have much to be thankful for. I’m healthy, racing, no twisted ankles, progress being made and a plan for the future. I’ve got a job, living a non-destitute life in this beautiful city, work/life balance in check. My parents and mostly non-dysfunctional siblings are all within easy reach, no airport horror stories or tarmac nightmares for any us this weekend. I have a good & kind group of friends, who only occasionally indulge in baby-mama melodrama. I’m consciously thankful for all of that, all of them. I’m well aware that things could be far worse for me, or for us.
But the subjective reality, my lived experience, is that I’ve been struggling to find gratitude or thankfulness in my heart. I consciously know how I should feel, but often I don’t. This past summer I lost my dog, who spent twelve years with me. She was my constant, for all of my adult life. I also lost the woman I love, in the abruptly startling fashion that comes about when one partner is blinded to another’s reality. It’s hard to experience gratitude for the good things I still have this Thanksgiving when I can so strongly remember what is missing. Particularly on days like today, when the sneaky lurker under the table is so noticeably quiet. And the person who I would have thought to be always on my side is, quite literally, not there for me.
What I want, on today of all days, is to feel thankfulness. I want to get back easy access to that emotion. I’m just not sure how to get there.
One other thing to be thankful for – two more of my photos were recently published on the Universal Hub. The guy on the left is from yesterday’s Gobble Gobble Gobble in Davis Square. My official but totally BS time was 31:00 (I timed myself at 29:20 and the race clock said 30:50 when finished – truth lies within that range). More GGG ’11 photos are up here (& hondo’s are in here. The second is from the Christmas tree lighting at Faneuil Hall a few days back. Mayor Menino & Jerod Mayo were there, but the highlight really was staba’s 2-for-1 holiday sale on peppermint mochas.
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