I hate cars, and it’s clearly mutual.


I’m having a difficult patch in my relationship with my car this summer.

Some backstory-

#1: In the middle of 48 hours this year (way back on May 1st), my driver’s side door handle stopped functioning, quite randomly, as Allison and I were on a trip to home depot for ingredients to build our scale o’ justice. Since then, I’ve either been relying on LZ to open the door for me from the passenger side, or I’ve had to slightly dislocate my left shoulder to reach from the rear door to pop the front door open. Needless to say it is interestingly risky when I’m forced to do this in traffic.

#2: On the way back from my mom’s birthday party (July 17th), my muffler and/or every single pipe connected to it exploded. I’ve been deafening myself and neighbors ever since.

#3: The day before Foss Fest (July 24th), some jackass broke off my driver’s side mirror in the brief hours I was home, between 1am and 6am. This, my dad helped me epoxy back on.

Since I’m trying not to be totally irresponsible (and am road-tripping this weekend), I finally, finally took the car in to get issues #1 and #2 fixed this week. $392 dollars I don’t have later, badda bing, perfectly functioning car! So happy! As I walk over to inspect said beauty in the mechanic’s lot, my bag catches on the epoxied mirror and snap, I break it off again, my own self. The car was totally fixed and in my possession for approximately 30 seconds.

Point being, I have more epoxy, and need someone with steady hands. This could be your big chance to accidentally glue yourself to my ride!

Attempts at Masculinity

All efforts prompted by multi-faceted (and spectacular) failure of 2007 inspection.

1) Driver/passenger wiper replacement: SUCCESS
For some reason this was more difficult last time.

2) License plate bulb (2x) replacement: SUCCESS
Silly little pain-in-the-ass-to-get-out lights. I guess it’s worth it re: probable cause to get pulled over.

3) Side marker-light replacement : FAILURE
After cutting my arm repeatedly trying to reach through a too-small opening in the frame for this bulb, I notice the manual says to bring to a dealership. At $80/hour to change a $2.15 bulb. Alternatively I’m going to have to find someone gullible, with skinny arms. Or disassemble from underneath.

4) Horn replacement: FAILURE
I know the horn is behind the grill, but the car has two grills. And I can’t figure out how to remove either. … Apparently it’s the top one.

5) Headlight angle adjustment: PENDING
I have no desire to touch this. Also I enjoy not being able to see the right side of the road at night.