quasify

On an objective level, I have much to be thankful for. I’m healthy, racing, no twisted ankles, progress being made and a plan for the future. I’ve got a job, living a non-destitute life in this beautiful city, work/life balance in check. My parents and mostly non-dysfunctional siblings are all within easy reach, no airport horror stories or tarmac nightmares for any us this weekend. I have a good & kind group of friends, who only occasionally indulge in baby-mama melodrama. I’m consciously thankful for all of that, all of them. I’m well aware that things could be far worse for me, or for us.

But the subjective reality, my lived experience, is that I’ve been struggling to find gratitude or thankfulness in my heart. I consciously know how I should feel, but often I don’t. This past summer I lost my dog, who spent twelve years with me. She was my constant, for all of my adult life. I also lost the woman I love, in the abruptly startling fashion that comes about when one partner is blinded to another’s reality. It’s hard to experience gratitude for the good things I still have this Thanksgiving when I can so strongly remember what is missing. Particularly on days like today, when the sneaky lurker under the table is so noticeably quiet. And the person who I would have thought to be always on my side is, quite literally, not there for me.

What I want, on today of all days, is to feel thankfulness. I want to get back easy access to that emotion. I’m just not sure how to get there.

We’ll be doing our family thanksgiving next week, our fakesgiving redux, but like others I’m still thankful now. I’m thankful, for my family, my friends, my home. I’m thankful for my baby nieces and the nephew-to-be, for good food prepared by kind people, for having decent work in a tough environment where everyone isn’t so fortunate, and for this restful weekend. I’m thankful for the chance to have run with Team HB on Thanksgiving morning, and for my Maija. And lastly I’m thankful that the flu that’s hurt others seems to be leaving us behind.

Happy Thanksgiving y’all.

I made my first real apple pie tonight. At least, I can’t think of another apple one I’ve done, or even any other pie in general (since CNHB says frozen yogurt pies with graham cracker crusts don’t count). I have no idea if it’s any good or not but it kinda doesn’t matter right now – I’m finding it hard to feel humble about this simple accomplishment. Sure, so everyone else is the whole friggin country is making pies and more tonight, but this little bastard is mine. You better be delicious dude. A lot of self esteem is riding on you.

(ps. CNHB made two herself. Thanks for logistical support little one!)